The myth: “We just fell out of love.”
More often than not, couples drift apart when they don’t know how to share their emotional needs. Alienation and distrust follow. Johnson says that we put up a wall to protect ourselves, ironically reinforcing what we fear most: that our partner of choice isn’t there for us or that we are simply unlovable.
The truth: You choose love. Love is not passive; it is an active event, according to Johnson. “You need to stay involved, and be open and engaged.” Securely attached people get angry, fight and hurt one another. But unlike people with an insecure emotional bond, they are able to turn around and talk about their feelings right away. In other words, precisely when you feel the most vulnerable and scared, you have to actively decide to take a risk and reach out to your partner, and in return try to give him reassurance, she says. It’s the only way to secure the bond.