Q: My sex life is okay, but pretty vanilla. My husband and I are both shy about discussing sex together or suggesting trying anything new. How can I let him know I want us to be wilder in bed?
A: It sounds like you are caught in the Good Girl/Nice Guy trap. Many adults have been socialized and conditioned to downplay or outright deny their deeper sexual selves. Ironically, both of you may be tigers during a business negotiation, and scream with passion when your daughter’s soccer team scores, yet be unable to transfer that confidence and spontaneity to your sex life. You may both be extroverted in life, but due to subconscious sexual taboos, you are inhibited in bed. So how can you take that wild side you show in the boardroom into your bedroom?
It’s important to realize that everyone has sexual energy. What’s more, that energy has a dark, lusty side in addition to the gentle, cuddly side. Yet I often work with couples who are not able to bridge the gap between the two. Making the transition from sweet, romantic and loving to hot, urgent and thrusting can be super-awkward for some couples. That is why the typical sex advice to “dress up like a playboy bunny and a cop, and pretend he’s pulled you over for speeding” can fail. Even if you get as far as bunny ears and a badge, you will likely feel self-conscious. And embarrassment is not a great aphrodisiac.
So let’s admit that creating some uninhibited sexuality in your marriage is going to be a process, not an overnight success. At times you will feel silly, and at other times you may be intimidated as you explore new and vulnerable levels of intimacy. Can hot sex be intimate? You bet. You need to accept each other fully. You must never express judgment or criticism—because at its heart, wild sex is about wild trust and wild respect.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. The Devil made me do it
Take the pressure off by playing an adult board game. These are a marvelous way to have fun while exploring some hot sexual scenarios and positions, guilt-free. Psychologically, when you roll the dice and follow instructions, you will feel able to do things that you would be shy to admit you have actually wanted to try. My patients report they never finish the game…but they both fall asleep very, very happy. Adult games are available at any adult store, or you can buy them online. Two that I recommend are The Kama Sutra Game and 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex.
2. I have a story to tell
Write each other an erotic story. Take one of your sexual fantasies and make your sweetie the star. Write, in explicit detail, what you do to each other. Then exchange them. It is very powerful and arousing to glimpse each other’s inner sexual world. What’s the next step? Act the story out!
3. Talk dirty to me, baby
Whether it’s a few sweet nothings or an X-rated play-by-play, talking during sex can really intensify the experience. I know, it makes you feel stupid. It’s one thing to do it, after all, and another to talk about it. Talking makes it seem so…explicit. Which is precisely why saying “it feels sooo good when you touch me there, baby/honey/sweetie” can really turn you both on.
Try these ideas; you might like them. Practice for a few months, and you can turn a dud into a stud, a good girl into a sex goddess—and add a little wild sex to your wild love.
November 2011 issue of Best Health magazine